In 2014, I received an invitation from The Onion to try out for one of their new endeavors, Clickhole. As a longtime fan of their work, this was a dream opportunity for me, and I was honored to ultimately be selected. During my four years with Clickhole, I grew so much as a writer and a humorist, thanks to their world class team. I’ll forever be grateful for their kindness, advice, and boundless creativity.
My Favorites:
QUIZ: Did You Talk To Your Old Man About That Idea I Had? (headline)
BLOG: I Think I Found Out A Way For You To Pick Me Up From The Airport (headline)
LIST: What Are We Looking At Here? Apricots? (headline)
VIDEO: Heartbreaking: There Is Nobody In The Bathroom These People Are In Line For (headline)
BLOG: Folks, I Am Back In The Dog House (article)
ARTICLE: Incredible: This Man Reduced Gun Violence In His Community By 80% By Moving Out (article)
THE REST:
ARTICLE: Chilling: ISIS Just Revealed That They’ve Acquired A Dunk Tank (article)
ARTICLE: Absolutely Beautiful: When This Man Donated His Liver To A Sick Woman, She Repaid Him By Giving Him Her Kidneys, And In Appreciation He Gave Her His Heart, So She Returned The Favor By Giving Him Her Lungs (article)
ARTICLE: Justice At Last: Dartmouth Is Awarding Bill Cosby An Honorary Degree So That They Can Revoke it (article)
BLOG: I [Believed] The [‘American Sniper’] Story And Then I Watched Him Kill A Guy Who I Think Was Supposed To Be Me (headline)
ARTICLE: Mystery Solved! The Lincoln Memorial Was A Tribute To President Abraham Lincoln (headline)
ARTICLE: Need Proof Of An Afterlife? This 10-Year-Old Stayed There. (headline)
ARTICLE: Body Positivity Win! Pinnacle Brands’ CEO Just Pointed Out That Mrs. Butterworth Isn’t Exactly What You’d Call Thin (headline)
ARTICLE: Beautiful: This Car Salesman Shaved $1,000 Off The Sticker Price Even Though It Wasn’t Going To Win Him Any Friends At The Regional Office (headline)
ARTICLE: Heartwarming. When this Make-a-Wish Kid's Flight To Disney World Got Cancelled, Glen Danzig Invited Him Over To His Table At The Airport Chili's And Told Him What It Was Like To Get Laid. (headline)
ARTICLE: Heartbreaking: This Mother Gorilla Has Been Carrying A Broken ‘Goodfellas’ DVD For Days (article)
ARTICLE: An Emotional Tribute: Whenever A Celebrity Dies, This Woman Adds Them To Her Family Photo (article)
BLOG: If I See Anyone Dressed Like Sirhan Sirhan This Halloween, They Will Be Getting A Piece Of My Mind (article)
BLOG: If They Ever Want To Put Jimmy Carter In An ‘Iron Man’ Movie, They Should Record Those Scenes Now (article)
LIST: SLIDER: 8 Stunning ‘After’ Pictures That Will Blow You Away (article)
BLOG: I Went Through Gay Conversion Therapy And Emerged Incredibly Gifted At Basketball (article)
LIST: Bold And Strong: The 8 Most Badass Women Characters And Talking Cars From Movies (article)
ARTICLE: Farewell To A Legend: The Iguana Who Shouts ‘Let’s Get Ready To Rumble!’ Before Every Boxing Match Has Died (article)
BLOG: ISIS Has Lost Sight Of What Our Founding Fathers Intended (article)
ARTICLE: The Power Of Community: When This Man’s Wife Died, His Neighbors Came Together To Make Sure He Knew (article)
ARTICLE: Complete Swoon: This Amazing Single Dad Is Raising Most Of His Sons To Be Feminists! (article)
ARTICLE: Empowering: Mattel Has Released A Female Interim CEO Barbie! (article)
ARTICLE: Huge Relief: This Student Thought He Was Being Bullied For Years But The Other Kid Was Just Joking Around (article)
LIST: 8 Reasons Why Miranda Is The Worst Character In The ‘Sex And The City’ Universe Besides Presumably Osama Bin Laden (article)
BLOG: My Body Is Perfect Just The Way It Is, And Everyone Else Should Be Molded To My Shape (article)
ARTICLE: Heartwarming: Serena Williams Promised A Sick Fan That She Would Grunt His Name Every Time She Hit A Tennis Ball (article)
ARTICLE: A Glimpse Of The Past: The Shirt That Garth Throws Up On In ‘Wayne’s World’ Has Been Added To The American Dana Carvey Museum (article)
ARTICLE: Moving America Forward: In Order To Increase Literacy Nationwide, Ambulance Sirens Will Now Blast An Audiobook Of ‘The Scarlet Letter’ (article)
ARTICLE: Science FTW! According To NASA, All The Planets Will Be Bumping Together Tonight For The First Time In Over 30 Years (article)
ARTICLE: Heartwarming: Ben & Jerry’s Is Offering Syrian Refugees A Free Cone If They Saw A War Crime (article)
ARTICLE: Awesome: Delta Is Adding A Button That Lets The Pilot Know You Want The Plane To Go Faster (article)
ARTICLE: Case Closed! Anyone Who Saw ‘The Perks Of Being A Wallflower’ In Theaters Can Now Get Their Passports Back From Homeland Security (article)
ARTICLE: Incredible Opportunity: Coca-Cola Is Offering Free Coke For Life To Anyone Who Can Find Their CEO (article)
Heartwarming: Despite Working 70 Hours A Week, This Amazing Dad Makes It To Every One Of His Son's Little League Baseball Games To Take A Few At-Bats (article)
ARTICLE: Quick Thinking Hero: When This Family Drove Off The Road And Into A Lake, God Lifted Their Car From The Water And Placed It On Land (article)
ARTICLE: End Of An Era: The Blue Whale That Hangs From The Ceiling Of The Museum Of Natural History Has Died (article)
ARTICLE: Scandal, Maybe? Anonymous Just Released The Names Of All The People Who Worked At Kohl’s In 2003 (article)
BLOG: I'm Privileged To Live In A Suburban Neighborhood With Virtually No Crime, But If Someone Does Commit A Crime Here, It'll Probably Be A Super Fucked Up One (article)
BLOG: I Spent 5 Months Hiking The Appalachian Trail Alone And I Learned 2 Things About Trees (article)
ARTICLE: The Ultimate Fan: This Woman Spent $200,000 On Plastic Surgery In Order To Look Like Beyonce’s Head (article)
ARTICLE: Hubris: This Cocky Runner Thought He Was Going To Win The Olympic Marathon, So He Ran The Entire Race With His Arms In The Air (article)
ARTICLE: [Real Life Sherlock:] This Man Spent 20 Minutes Scrolling Through Facebook Posts Trying To Figure Out If His Friend's Mom Died (article)
ARTICLE: This Revolutionary New Dating App Is Matching People Who Want To Look At Fingers With People Who Want To Touch Eyes (article)
ARTICLE: Beautiful: This Cartoon Imagines A World Without Racism Or Shovels (article)
ARTICLE: Fall From Grace: The President Of The American Institute of Architects Has Resigned After Admitting He Is An Undercover Cop Who Infiltrated The Wrong Organization (article)
LIST: Look, By Now We’ve All Seen Pictures Of Mountain Goats On Incredibly Steep Inclines So Don’t Act All Shocked When These 6 Photos Don’t Blow You Away (article)
ARTICLE: Mom Of The Year: When This Woman Learned Her Son Was Getting Made Fun Of At School, She Banished Him To A Mountain So His Bullies Couldn’t Find Him (article)
ARTICLE: Inspiring: This Surf Instructor Gives A Free Lesson To Anyone Who Signs Up For 6 Lessons (article)
ARTICLE: Everyday Hero: When This Couple Couldn't Conceive, A Woman With Absolutely No Other Financial Options Donated Her Eggs (article)
ARTICLE: Heroic: When This Man Saw A Suspicious Device On A Train, He Screamed And Screamed And Screamed (article)
ARTICLE: A Historic Tradition: President Obama Has Been Added To The White House Portrait Of Every Former President Sitting Together In A Sauna (article)
ARTICLE: Great News For Ketchup: Political Scientists Say That The Outcome Of The Presidential Election Will In No Way Affect Ketchup (article)
ARTICLE: Chaos: This Coffee Shop Is Also An Art Gallery (article)
ARTICLE: Animal Rights Win: The San Diego Zoo Has Taped Telescopes To All Of Their Animals’ Heads So That They Can Look At The Planets (article)
ARTICLE: This Car Crash Survivor Called Completing Physical Therapy Her Mount Everest As If She Had Any Fucking Idea What's That's Like (article)
ARTICLE: Dating Hack: This New Tinder Feature Will Blow Up A Bridge So You Have Something To Talk About With Your Match (article)
LIST: The 6 People Who Saw A Hawk In 2016 (article)
LIST: 6 Sexy Updos That, Full Disclosure, Will Slightly Increase Your Risk Of Being Snagged By A Helicopter Dangling A Hook On A Long Rope (article)
LIST: 9 Genius Wagon-Building Hacks That Will Save You A Trip To The Wainwright (article)
BLOG: I’m So Confident That The Phony Liberal Media Won’t Publish This Pro-Life Article That I’m Using It To Store All My Embarrassing Photos Of Me Bathing in Hog Slop (article)
ARTICLE: The Power Of Love: This Woman Gave Up Her Lifelong Dream Of Being A Painter To Marry Someone Who Thinks Art Is Dumb (article)
ARTICLE: Everyday Hero: When This High School Student’s Dad Died Unexpectedly, His Teacher Stepped In To Hit On His Mom (article)
